breaking these chains that hold me


So, I have been dreaming about creating my own mixed media journal for over five years now. I will ooh and ahhh over other people’s mixed media art, yet I never do it for myself. Why you ask? Because I feel like it serves no other purpose than to make me feel good.  “You think that is bad?” Yes, I do. I have always been this way. I feel like I cannot do anything that’s sole purpose is to fulfill my needs alone.

I have been cursed with this guilt that anything and everything I do should result in joy of others. If it doesn’t, then I shouldn’t do it. It is a religious belief in which I cannot divorce myself from, no matter how hard I try. As I get older, I feel less inclined to abide by this inner voice that yells at me anytime I want to do something that is rewarding to me and me alone. I find myself yelling back “I CAN DO THINGS FOR MYSELF! And YOU CAN’T STOP ME!” But then I feel the overwhelming guilt fill my soul. I am reminded that “God wants you to serve others. Your life’s purpose is self-denial.”
But is it? I look around me, and see so many people who do actually live self-fulfilled lives. And they DO THINGS FOR THEMSELVES! They don’t live like Mahatma Gandhi, living with only the clothes on his back and the shoes on his feet.
Don’t get me wrong, I have overcome this fear of buying things for myself. I do it with a lot more finesse then every before. But the guilt builds up. Day after day, I begin to feel heavier and heavier, sadder and sadder. Weakened with the fear that God is looking down on me, judging me, shaking his head in shame.

I am so envious of those who don’t have this unbearable fear of living life to the fullest; being carefree and joyful.  I strive to be this way, but I am undoing 30+ years of habitual self abuse. It’s going to be a while before I break free from these chains…I wonder how long it will take?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A day of enjoyment before going back to work

I decided I should do some fun things today, since it is my last day of not working full-time. I enjoyed a pedicure, which was very nicely done. I prefer going to a hair salon to get my nails done, but most of them were closed today. So, I ended up at a nail salon. I always worry about the cleanliness of those salons, but I went anyways. Afterwards, I went to Goodwill and found a few more things that I can wear to work. Since the boss seems to be concerned about her employees dressing 'too casual,' I decided I should invest in a few dressier looking outfits, because I totally was super relaxed at Tackle Marketing. I was wearing flip flops, t-shirts and capris a lot during the Summer. I found a couple of really adorable dresses. One is a bit snug, so I will have to spend some time trying to slim down for it to be comfortable. But I am very pleased with my purchases. Of course, I had to take Lucky for one more long drive since he really cannot walk that much anymore without l...
Read more

Day 15 - Time to Learn!

Image
But first, I did some SPRING CLEANING! I was drinking my morning tea in bed, looking at how unorganized my closets were in the bedroom. Staring at the piles of sheets thrown into the top of my closet shelf made me feel uneasy. So, since I had no set plans for this morning, I just started organizing. There are many pins out there stating you should "use your pillow cases to keep your sheets neat and orderly". Of course, I don't even want to bother with learning how 'easy' it is to fold fitted sheets. That might be the case if you are patient, which I am not. So, I stuffed my sheets in various pillow cases. Then, I decided I would utilize the shelves where I have millions of Steve's hats sitting that never get worn, and a few pairs of shoes. The shelves will be a lot more user friendly, and the sheets will be much easier to access. For now, I can place all my boots up top since I won't be wearing those again until winter. What Pinterest says your shee...
Read more

Day 18 - First Unemployment Paycheck!

Image
It was nice to see that I received my first unemployment check deposit yesterday. I was certain I probably missed the deadline to post my jobs search information after I went to the meeting last Friday, but luckily I made it! Yay! I went to the farm, which was pretty cool. Michelle was very busy, which was to be expected. It was fun to take see what goes into having a pasta sauce and pasta company. Too much work for me, personally! I don't think I would want all that responsibility. I also stopped by a cemetery on the way back home. It was pretty cool. The old cemeteries don't fascinate me as much as they used to, but I do enjoy walking around for a few minutes.  The rest of the day, I took a couple of walks and read my book. I also applied for about 4 other jobs. 
Read more